Now

I hate it that my brother likes my best friend! It's weird, and I don't like it at all! He needs to let her go, because she still has two more years in highschool and he's already graduated and going to college in the fall. URGH! It's driving me crazy! I wish I could show him what he'll be doing to her if they did go out. He doesn't think! I just need to take a breath and relax.
Another thing is that I'm missing my buddy. I haven't talked to him in almost seven months! *sigh* I miss him alot.
I need other things to concern my time, instead of these stupid things....

Right Now :D

Life has really good! :D I've gotten alot of my book written. And graduation is just around the corner, I CAN'T WAIT! I thank God for everything, He helped with so much! He has put the best people in my life. I trust that He will help me get through any other rough spot in life. Like right now, I'm kinda confused on a few things that I can't really talk about but I just know it will all turn out good.
What I need is patience. I hate waiting on things, which is really bad. So just pray that I'll learn to be more patient with stuff.
You know what I need, I need a vacation with my besties! I've been with my family too long. Which I do love my family, it's just I need time away from them or else I'm going to kill them all. And that won't be very nice. lol I'll need time away from them before I start college, because I'm planning to stay home during my college years. So I'll definitely need more time away from them. It was better when Brooke was here, because I went to her house every weekend. That was enouigh time away from them to live with them the next week. lol
I'm kinda scared of my future, but that's a little part of me. The other part is like "Bring it ON!" lol I know the future is going to be rough, but everyone is going to go through it so we just have to suck it up and live life. And when you think you're at the bottom of life, there's always God! He can help with anything and He wants to help you! He is awesome! He loves you no matter what you've done! :D

What I think

I thought I was over him, but it looks like I'm not. Everytime I hear his name, my heart aches. Everytime I think of him, it aches some more. Maybe I need more time.... I just need something else to focus on. Which is really hard, because I can't just focus on one thing, it's always multiple things. Which gets really fustrating. I get really distracted. Like right now all I can think about is him & Edward (but that's totally different lol). I just want to be over this, I want to move one. But maybe I'm subconsciously not allowing myself to move on, is that even possible? Probably is if you have a screwed up head like mine. I thought I could get over him if I liked someone else, but it turned out I don't really like that guy as much as I liked him.... What if he's the one? What if he's my soulmate? HA HA! I doubt it. Man, romance movies have definitely screwed up my head. Maybe I need to leave, maybe I just need to get away and figure out stuff without having people breathing down my neck.... I don't know.

"God help me! Help me get through this! Only you can help me."

I hate it when I feel this way, it seems like nothing is going to come out right. I feel like I'm shattering to pieces like I'll never be whole again. I'm just tired of waiting! I just what for my life to start! It seems like I'm the only one I know that's having a hard time with this. Everyone else seems to have a good time, except me. I'm back in my corner with my shields up.... no one wants to be near me. It's hard having your best friends move, it's the hardest thing ever. Once the friends moved, I haven't let anyone else in. Plus, nobody has made an effort to get in, they just pass by, yeah they might look at the freak in the corner but nobody wants to help it.... Because nobody really wants to be friends with a freak, nobody really wants a friend who is as needy as me. I hate feeling needy! Makes me feel weak, I hate feeling weak! I hate being dependent! I'm too independent for my own good. Because no matter how much pain I'm in or how much I want help, I'm never going to ask, I'm never going to tell. Which is probably why people tend to avoid me, why they dont wanna mess with me. So as of now I'm shutting myself off from everyone, locking myself in a closet. And if anyone cares enough they'll find the key, break down the door, or at least make an attempt to get me out of the place I'm in....
Another reason why I'm down is because I don't think I'll ever get my perfect lil romance, my Edward or Romeo. I'll never get a boyfriend because I'm not good enough for the title "girlfriend" only friend or good friend or best friend....nothing more. Or it could be that I'm too closed, no guy wants to handle my crap, my difficulties. I'm too complicated for anyone. Nobody really understands me, nobody really gets me. They might think they do but they really don't. I'm nothing what anybody suspects.

My fabulous dream!

I've decided to let go of someone I really liked. It's been really hard but so far so good. I know it was for the best and that it's all going to work out in the end. Anyways that had nothing to do with the subject at hand...
I told my bestie that I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life, she totally freaked out and asked why would I ever do that. I told her that a guy would get in the way of what I'm going to do, so she asked what I was going to do. I'm going to be a writer and I'm going to travel the world taking pictures of God's beautiful creation! She said that I should just find a guy who would put up with that, then I told her that he would have to put up with my craziness and he would have to put up with her because I'm taking her with me almost everywhere. I really don't care if there is a guy, but as long as I'm doing what I'm dreaming of doing, I'm all good! :)

Right Now

I'm doing surprisingly well for right now. But I do have two holes in me that will never be filled by any other people. And at times it hurts worse than others, but I have God with me and that's all that matters. :)
I was watching Sleepy Beauty today, and I thought it was so funny that all of that happened in a day. How can you fall in love with someone in a day? Well Romeo and Juliet did it, but they also died at the end of their story. It's amazing how in all the fairytales, they fall in love within seconds of first seeing them. Where as in real life it takes years, months, or maybe even days, to actually fall in love with someone.
Do fairytales come true? Does love at first sight happen?
As I was watching the movie, I told my sister that I'm going to marry a guy, who is going to take me to the forest so we can dance and sing. lol She kept laughing at me, because I would have the ridiculous smile on my face at some part in the movie. It was because I just love how unrealistic it is and how I wish that would happen to me.

My Feelings

I don't know what I want anymore. I've been avoiding someone I like and I don't even know why. I just really want to talk to him. Why would we talk to me? He probably thinks I'm mad at him or that I'm annoyed by him, but I'm not! But the other guy I like, I don't want to lose him. I'm so screwed up! I thought I had decided on one already, but I guess I didn't. I can't make up my mind on anything. Even the simple things...
I wish someone would just want to talk to me. I'm tried of starting the conversations. It's someone else's turn. I want to feel accepted, to feel wanted, to feel like I belong. I don't belong here though, I don't belong anywhere. The only place I belong is in a corner to deal with my own faults.
Take me away... please... I can't stand it anymore!