What I think

I thought I was over him, but it looks like I'm not. Everytime I hear his name, my heart aches. Everytime I think of him, it aches some more. Maybe I need more time.... I just need something else to focus on. Which is really hard, because I can't just focus on one thing, it's always multiple things. Which gets really fustrating. I get really distracted. Like right now all I can think about is him & Edward (but that's totally different lol). I just want to be over this, I want to move one. But maybe I'm subconsciously not allowing myself to move on, is that even possible? Probably is if you have a screwed up head like mine. I thought I could get over him if I liked someone else, but it turned out I don't really like that guy as much as I liked him.... What if he's the one? What if he's my soulmate? HA HA! I doubt it. Man, romance movies have definitely screwed up my head. Maybe I need to leave, maybe I just need to get away and figure out stuff without having people breathing down my neck.... I don't know.

"God help me! Help me get through this! Only you can help me."

I hate it when I feel this way, it seems like nothing is going to come out right. I feel like I'm shattering to pieces like I'll never be whole again. I'm just tired of waiting! I just what for my life to start! It seems like I'm the only one I know that's having a hard time with this. Everyone else seems to have a good time, except me. I'm back in my corner with my shields up.... no one wants to be near me. It's hard having your best friends move, it's the hardest thing ever. Once the friends moved, I haven't let anyone else in. Plus, nobody has made an effort to get in, they just pass by, yeah they might look at the freak in the corner but nobody wants to help it.... Because nobody really wants to be friends with a freak, nobody really wants a friend who is as needy as me. I hate feeling needy! Makes me feel weak, I hate feeling weak! I hate being dependent! I'm too independent for my own good. Because no matter how much pain I'm in or how much I want help, I'm never going to ask, I'm never going to tell. Which is probably why people tend to avoid me, why they dont wanna mess with me. So as of now I'm shutting myself off from everyone, locking myself in a closet. And if anyone cares enough they'll find the key, break down the door, or at least make an attempt to get me out of the place I'm in....
Another reason why I'm down is because I don't think I'll ever get my perfect lil romance, my Edward or Romeo. I'll never get a boyfriend because I'm not good enough for the title "girlfriend" only friend or good friend or best friend....nothing more. Or it could be that I'm too closed, no guy wants to handle my crap, my difficulties. I'm too complicated for anyone. Nobody really understands me, nobody really gets me. They might think they do but they really don't. I'm nothing what anybody suspects.